Would you like strangers to touch you?

July10th2017

I’m so angry and frustrated with myself that I feel all these negative feelings towards him! Since I have been working on myself and been aware of my feelings and actions more, that double frustrates me as I shouldn’t have negative feelings towards people! So what’s wrong with me? I must be secretly a bad person”

One of my clients, let’s call him John, has recently brought this dilemma into our session. I listened and then we had a conversation about his interactions with the colleague in question. After exploring the avenues of their connections I’ve realised that John’s boundaries need to be discussed as they are out of place and often were violated without him being actually aware of it. We spoke about the ways John accepts too many responsibilities at work, has a real problem with saying ‘no’ to others that ask him for a favour, being a nice guy in general, who just doesn’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings.

So what happens to “John” when he is being his usual-self nice kind of a guy?

He is not being authentic. He builds up an awful amount of inner frustration and anger directed at himself. He smiles outside but cringes inside and that reflects his emotional misalignment. Then he loathes himself for having all these negative feelings towards his colleagues and blames himself for being a bad person.

Then we discussed the importance of boundaries…we chunked it down and suddenly a random metaphor crossed my mind.

Me: imagine visiting a place where you can see the cutest, most beautiful, pleasant, friendly and harmless of animals. Then imagine that because of its characteristics, there are a lot of passersby that would stay to look, talk to it, touch it, cuddle, stroke it. They would simply invade the personal space of this gorgeous creature on many levels. And now imagine that this cutie, being a living creature, will have better and worse days, will feel more and less sociable depending on the day. What will happen after hours, days or even months of being exposed to uninterrupted contact with these friendly strangers?

John: the animal will start hating it, or it may even become aggressive or even bite…

Me: Of course, inevitably!

So what provisions would need to be applied by the keepers?

John: they will need to put a fence around it or keep it somehow at a safe distance…

I thought this was a lovely metaphor to picture the lack of boundaries and their implications. Even the most peaceful, friendly and beautiful entity may become a monstrous when deprived from a liberty of choice and space. Everyone requires a space and safety of boundaries for their wellness and sanity.

Otherwise we can get overwhelmed with unwanted energies and vibes. But most importantly we need to realise that if this is happening to us, it is usually self-imposed due to our own lack of being real and articulating our needs, furthermore a low level of assertiveness and self-love.

That takes us back to the work on our inner child…

Ask yourself a question:

Would you allow everyone to come and talk to or touch your little child/or someone who you really care for? Well, if the answer is no, then what is the reason you are allowing this happening to you?

We only have what we tolerate ❤

Thank you for reading

With love – Agatha x

PS. I’ll write about how to build healthy boundaries in my next article 😊